AI Engineer/Japanese Language Educator
1/11/2026
"How about we all go out for drinks on Friday night?"
This question from my boss came shortly after I started my life in Japan. At the time, it seemed like nothing more than a simple "yes or no" question to me. Since I had a movie I wanted to see that day, I answered with my brightest smile:
"No, I won't go."
In that instant, the typing sounds in the office stopped completely. The color drained from my boss's face, and all my colleagues simultaneously looked down. I still vividly remember that "frozen atmosphere," as if a sudden Arctic wind had blown into a warm room.
"Why? I just honestly gave my reason." I was struck by intense confusion and inner conflict.
If you're reading this article, have you ever experienced "making someone angry without knowing why" or "ruining the atmosphere" in your relationships in Japan?
Today, using my own "epic failure" as a starting point, I'll share insights from my experience as a Japanese language teacher about the "culture of reading the air" that's essential for living in Japanese society, and how to use the magic phrase "chotto... (well...)".
By reading this article, you'll learn three key things:
Now, let me continue with the rest of my embarrassing failure story.
The week after the "incident," my colleague Tanaka-san secretly called me to the rooftop during lunch.
"Listen, about how you declined last week... In Japan, clearly telling your boss 'I won't go' is received as heavily as saying 'I don't like you.'"
Tanaka-san's words hit me like a hammer blow to the head. In my country, clearly communicating the reason you can't go and firmly expressing your intention not to attend was considered "honesty" and "respect" for the other person.
However, Japan is one of the world's leading "high-context culture" countries. The essence lies not in the literal meaning of words, but in the situation, human relationships, and "implied nuances."
The mistakes I made were these two points:
Tanaka-san taught me: "You don't need to give reasons. Just make a troubled face and say 'chotto... (well...)' and Japanese people will understand everything."
A few days after receiving Tanaka-san's advice, the moment came again.
After an evening meeting, another supervisor asked, "How about a quick drink on the way home today?" Honestly, I wanted to go home early and relax that day too. The old me would have listed reasons like "I'm tired today, so I want to go home..."
However, I decided to gather my courage and put Tanaka-san's "teaching" into practice.
"Ah, thank you very much. Unfortunately, today I have chotto... (silence)"
My heart was pounding. I was terribly anxious, thinking "Won't they think I'm rude for not giving a reason?"
But then, a miracle happened.
Without showing any displeasure, my supervisor smiled and said, "Oh, I see! Sorry for asking when you're busy. I'll invite you again sometime."
Far from freezing, the office was filled with warm air thanks to my supervisor's consideration. No one was hurt, no one was embarrassed. This was the moment I felt with my skin what the Japanese value of "wa" (harmony) truly meant.
"Chotto" means "a little" in English, but in Japanese communication, it functions as a "cushion for rejection."
By not finishing the sentence completely (e.g., stopping at "chotto..." instead of saying "chotto muri desu" [it's a bit impossible]), you throw back the space for the other person to "please understand." The person receiving this can conclude "ah, there must be some circumstances" and maintain their dignity as the one who made the invitation.
Here, I'll introduce specific expressions you can use starting today. What's important is not the words themselves, but the "way of saying" and "facial expression."
| Situation | Magic Phrase | Key to Success |
|---|---|---|
| Drinking party from boss | "Thank you very much. However, today I have chotto..." | Express gratitude first, trail off at the end. |
| Lunch from colleague | "Ah, today I have chotto something to do... Sorry!" | Add the vague word "something." |
| Unreasonable overtime request | "I'm sorry. Today I have chotto an unmissable appointment..." | "Unmissable" conveys importance. |
【Conversation with friends】 A: "Want to go shopping tomorrow?" B: "Ah, tomorrow is chotto... I have plans. Invite me again!"
NG Pattern: "No, I'm busy so it's impossible." (※This gives the cold impression of "I don't have time to hang out with you")
When a stranger asks you for something on the priority seat of a train but you can't help: Say "Ah, sorry, right now it's chotto..." while looking away with a slightly apologetic expression.
Many learners feel that Japanese "ambiguity" is "dishonest" or "lying." However, after more than 10 years of teaching experience, what I think is that this ambiguity comes from "kindness" to protect others.
Japanese people try to share the "pain of rejection" that comes from clearly declining.
This sense of solidarity, like a kind of "complicity" born from "not saying," is the wisdom that makes Japanese human relationships smooth.
Q1: What should I do if someone persistently asks for reasons even after I say "chotto..."? A: In that case, layer on even more vague reasons. Use phrases like "It's something private..." or "I have a prior commitment..." Someone who still asks after that might not understand Japanese manners.
Q2: I feel guilty about lying. Can't I just be honest? A: Japanese "tatemae" (public facade) is not lying. It's "social manners." Hiding your real reason (e.g., wanting to watch anime at home) to maintain "wa" with others is the utmost respect for the other person.
Q3: Are there other convenient words besides "chotto"? A: Adding "ainiku" (unfortunately) or "sekkaku desu ga" (although I appreciate the offer) at the beginning of the sentence creates a more polite and softer impression.
The person who froze the office that day has now become quite the master of "chotto..."
Japan's "art of reading the air" might seem difficult at first. But once you notice the feeling of "not wanting to hurt others" behind the words, you should be able to act naturally too.
The next time you need to decline someone's invitation, please have the courage to swallow your words. That silence will become a new bridge connecting you and the other person.
If you found this article helpful, please share your own "failure stories" in the comments! Let's explore the spirit of "wa" together!
AI Engineer/Japanese Language Educator
