AI Engineer/Japanese Language Educator
2/1/2026
"Your eyes look scary, as if you're picking a fight."
During a mock interview for job hunting in Japan, I spoke in perfect keigo (polite Japanese), sat up straight, and stared intently into my teacher's eyes while expressing my motivation. In my mind, this was the most sincere and enthusiastic attitude I could possibly show.
However, what came back after the session was unexpectedly harsh feedback.
"○○-san, I understand you're enthusiastic. But the intensity of your gaze intimidates the other person. When Japanese people are stared at so intently, they become scared and can't concentrate on the conversation."
I was deeply shocked. In my home country, "looking someone in the eye when speaking" is proof that you're not lying and shows the utmost respect. Conversely, I had been taught that looking away is a negative sign indicating "lack of confidence" or "hiding something."
"Why was I perceived as aggressive when I was trying to show sincerity?"
This dilemma is a high wall that many foreign learners working in Japan face. In this article, I'll discuss in detail the uniquely Japanese gaze technique called "Soft Focus" that I learned from that failure.
Now, let's begin the journey of turning my failure into your learning.
I was full of confidence. I held N1 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test Level 1) and had read through many books on Japanese business manners. I even knew the saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."
However, the definition of "eye contact" written in those manner books was far more delicate than I had imagined.
I had interpreted the teaching to "look the other person in the eye" literally as directing it straight like a "laser beam" for an extended period. Even when the teacher playing the interviewer looked down at documents, I kept staring intently at the teacher's face "to be ready for eye contact at any moment."
The result was the opening line: "as if you're picking a fight." The moment when enthusiasm transformed into "intimidation" and sincerity morphed into "surveillance."
What saved me from my dejection was a veteran senior who had worked in Japan for a long time. She said with a laugh:
"Japanese people don't like strong light, you know. Your gaze is like a searchlight. Try to imagine it more like the light of a light bulb, softly illuminating the surroundings as well."
That's when she taught me the concept of "Soft Focus."
Like deliberately blurring the focus of a camera slightly, it's a technique of somehow keeping the other person's entire face in your field of vision. The key point is not to look directly at the other person's pupils (black part of the eye).
My senior taught me specific "landing places for the gaze."
"Wait, won't that mean I'm ignoring the other person?" I doubted. But my senior shook her head. "No. Rather, it's the highest form of Japanese kindness, saying 'I respect your freedom.'"
In the next practice session, I consciously challenged myself to "weaken" my gaze. I reduced the time looking at the other person's pupils to about 30% of the total, and spent the remaining time looking at the throat area or gently dropping my gaze downward at breaks in the conversation.
To be honest, I was very anxious at first. "Won't I look unconfident and fail to get hired?"
However, a surprising change occurred. The expression of the teacher playing the interviewer clearly softened. The teacher's expression, which had been somewhat stiff before, broke into smiles, and the number of nods increased dramatically.
After the session, the teacher said: "Today was very easy to talk to you. The oppressive feeling from before disappeared, and your inherent kindness came through. With this, interviewers can listen to your story with peace of mind."
At that moment, I became convinced. In Japan, looking away is not "rejection," but rather plays the role of an airbag that gives the other person an "escape route (mental space)."
From here, I'll introduce specific scenario-based gaze techniques that I actually tried and found effective. Please try them one by one starting today.
Basically, look at the "knot of the tie." Only at the points you want to emphasize in your story, make eye contact softly for about 1 second. That alone is enough to convey enthusiasm.
Continuing to look at their eyes tends to be perceived as "arguing back." Basically look at your boss's "throat area" while pretending to take notes and dropping your gaze to your notebook. This appears as an attitude of "humbly learning."
Making too much eye contact can make you seem suspicious. Just before your eyes meet, bow lightly and let your gaze flow past their shoulder or toward their feet.
Looking at the other person's eyes is a "challenge." Bow your head deeply and fix your gaze on the floor. Embody the Japanese cultural nuance of "not having the face to meet them."
Within 0.5 seconds, shift your gaze to your smartphone or the advertisement above the door. This is called "the courtesy of indifference," a manner to avoid invading others' privacy in public spaces.
This is the place where you're most troubled about where to place your gaze. Without hesitation, look at the floor number display panel or your own toes. If there's a mirror, it's safer to avoid eye contact through the mirror as well.
It's OK to make eye contact longer than in business settings, but between conversations, look at the label on your mug or the food to appropriately give your gaze a "break."
Rather than staring at one specific person, slowly scan the entire venue with your gaze around "shoulder height" (windshield wiper motion).
Suddenly entering their frontal view and looking at their eyes will scare them. Approach from a diagonal front, and focus your gaze on an "object" by looking at a map or smartphone screen together.
The moment you start to lower your head, drop your gaze to your feet (1 meter ahead). The "Western-style bow" of continuing to look at the other person while bowing looks very unnatural and scary in Japan.
Based on my own experience, I've organized the differences in how it's perceived across cultures.
| Feature | Western/South Asian etc. (Strong) | Japan (Soft Focus) |
|---|---|---|
| Meaning of Looking at Pupils | Sincerity, truth, trust | Intimidation, surveillance, attack |
| Ideal Landing Place | Inside the other person's pupils | Throat, tie, shoulders |
| Meaning of Looking Away | Hiding something, lack of confidence | Consideration, humility, securing space |
| Main Image | Laser beam, searchlight | Small light bulb, candle flame |
| Bowing Etiquette | Lower while maintaining eye contact | Drop gaze to the floor together |
A: Yes, if you avoid it too extremely, that will happen. The trick is not to "never look" but to "occasionally make soft contact." The golden ratio is to make eye contact for just a moment at the end of sentences (at the timing of "~desu" or "~masu"), and look at the throat area otherwise.
A: Actually, in Japanese society, people who can appropriately control their gaze are evaluated as "having composure" and "being calm." Staring intently at eyes can actually expose a lack of composure.
A: In such cases, look at the other person's "base of the ear" or "between the eyebrows." It's not the pupils, but since it's near the face, the other person feels "they're looking at me," and your own gaze intensity softens.
Through my life in Japan, I've come to realize something.
Japan's culture of "not making eye contact" was never cold, nor was it about hiding something. It was a "mental airbag" to cherish each other's invisible private space and not intrude with muddy shoes.
By not looking directly, you give the other person an "escape route" of peace of mind. I now understand that this is a very sophisticated and refined expression of "kindness."
In Japan, you don't need to convey your enthusiasm through the "strength" of your gaze. It's sufficiently conveyed through the politeness of your words, deep bows, and "aizuchi" (verbal acknowledgments) that show you're seriously listening to the other person.
Just by lowering the temperature of your gaze a little, the Japanese society around you should appear surprisingly kind. I'm rooting for you!
AI Engineer/Japanese Language Educator
