Do You Say "Thank You" to Close Friends? What "Mizukusai" Means and How to Say Thanks

In Japanese, people say "arigatou" (thank you) even to those they are close to. Some people feel that "thanking someone you're close to is mizukusai," but mizukusai (水臭い) refers to distant or overly formal behavior. A short "arigatou" is never mizukusai. With someone close, a casual "Arigatou. Tasukatta" (Thanks, that helped) is enough, with no need to be formal.

The Teacher Who Was Asked, "Are We Strangers?"

*This scene is fictional, based on situations that are common among learners.

Zhang, an international student, deeply admires his teacher at a Japanese language school. Before Zhang started job hunting, the teacher stayed up all night correcting his statement of motivation. The next morning, when the teacher handed back the manuscript covered in red corrections, Zhang said, "Yes, I understand. I'll fix it," and put it in his bag.

A few days later, the teacher gave him a souvenir from a trip home. Zhang just said, "Well, see you next week," and left.

The teacher gradually began to feel lonely. One day after class, the teacher finally said it.

"Zhang, that's where you say 'thank you,' isn't it? When someone does something for you, isn't it natural to thank them?"

Zhang's eyes widened, and he was silent for a while. Then he said in a small voice:

"Teacher, are we strangers?"

When the teacher asked why, Zhang answered:

"When I thank someone close to me, it feels like I'm building a wall. I wanted to talk with you like we were family."

The Same Silence Sounded Two Different Ways

Neither person was simply in the wrong in this misunderstanding.

The teacher took the lack of thanks to mean "he isn't grateful." For Zhang, on the other hand, not saying thanks meant "we're that close." This is just Zhang's own feeling. Not everyone who speaks the same language feels the same way.

The teacher also had assumptions. Believing that feelings should come back in words, the teacher decided that silence was rude. On top of that, the phrase "isn't it natural?" sounded more like blame than teaching. To Zhang, it must have sounded like being pushed away.

The teacher also couldn't see how Zhang felt about having his work corrected overnight. "Yes, I understand. I'll fix it" is correct in content as a reply. But since there was no reaction to the fact that he had received the work, the person who handed it over could hardly feel any response.

What the teacher should have done first was not scold but ask. If the teacher had first shared a feeling, saying "When I don't hear a thank-you, I feel a little lonely," and then asked what Zhang thought, that misunderstanding might not have happened.

"Mizukusai" Means Being Distant

The Digital Daijisen dictionary explains "mizukusai" as "distant; behaving like a stranger." Its example is "Don't be so mizukusai as to hide your engagement." The Seisenban Nihon Kokugo Daijiten likewise gives "lacking in affection," "behaving like a stranger," and "having a distant attitude"[1].

Neither dictionary has a definition meaning "to say thank you." The example sentence is used for a case where someone did not reveal an engagement[1]. From this, we can explain it as follows.

"Mizukusai" is a word used for the way someone keeps their distance, such as not relying on you when they're in trouble or not telling you what's going on. For example, in a situation like this:

"If you were in trouble, you should have told me. Don't be so mizukusai."

It expresses a slightly lonely feeling when someone close to you didn't ask for help.

It is sometimes used in response to thanks too. It is a way of replying when a close person thanks you too politely or hands you a gift in return.

"No need to thank me. Don't be so mizukusai."

This doesn't mean "you must not say thank you." It is a reply that conveys closeness, as if to say, "We're close enough that you don't need to be so formal." What gets called mizukusai is the overly formal way of keeping distance. A short "arigatou" is not normally taken as mizukusai.

Whether to Put Gratitude into Words Varies by Language and Situation

In a study comparing online game interactions in Japanese and Chinese, expressions of gratitude appeared more in Japanese than in Chinese, and more face-to-face than non-face-to-face. Among native Japanese speakers, whether the interaction was face-to-face was the main factor, and closeness was a secondary one. Native Chinese speakers tended to express gratitude clearly only when face-to-face with someone distant, and to omit it otherwise[2].

These results concern conversations within games. They cannot be assumed to apply directly to conversations in classrooms, workplaces, or homes. Nor can we say that "Chinese speakers don't thank people they're close to."

What we can say in relation to the scene in this article is only that whether gratitude is omitted may vary with the language, the relationship with the other person, and whether the interaction is face-to-face. How a learner actually feels can't be known without asking.

Short Phrases for Each Situation

Even with someone close, a word when they've helped you lets them know "I received it." With a close person, you don't need formal wording. Phrases for a boss or a stranger are listed too.

If you just put the notes on the desk without a word, your friend may feel, "Did you only come to return them?" If your boss hands you materials and you answer only "Oh, yes. Understood," it may be taken as no reaction to their having prepared them. This depends on the person and the way you say it, so it doesn't always turn out that way.

The "Sumimasen, arigatou gozaimasu" in the last row is a form used when you feel a little sorry for the trouble you've caused the other person, adding an apology to the thanks.

What You Can Say Next

If a formal thank-you feels heavy with someone close, you can simply shorten it. Even a single "arigatou," or just a word of feeling like "tasukatta" (that helped) or "ureshii" (I'm glad), conveys that you received it.

If you feel, like Zhang, that saying "thank you" to someone close makes them feel distant, you can say in one sentence what helped you.

"You stayed up all night looking at this for me, didn't you. It really helped."

If you're the one teaching, don't assume that a lack of thanks is rude. First share your feeling: "I'd be happy to hear a word that you've received it." Then ask what the other person thinks.

References

1. "Mizukusai," Kotobank (includes Shogakukan's Digital Daijisen and Seisenban Nihon Kokugo Daijiten). https://kotobank.jp/word/水臭い-562153
2. Xiao Lei, "A Quantitative Comparison of Japanese and Chinese Expressions of Gratitude in Game Communication: Focusing on the Effects of Face-to-Face Interaction and Interpersonal Relationships," Nihongo Onsei Komyunikeshon (Japanese Speech Communication) 12, Japanese Society for Speech Communication / Hituzi Syobo, 2024. https://www.hituzi.co.jp/epublish/academic_journal/nhng_onsei/nihongoonsei012_nhg_02xiao_ab.pdf