Is Omitting 'Thank You' a Sign of Love? — The Dynamics of 'Intimacy' and 'Distance' in Japanese and Chinese Cultures from a Sociopragmatic Perspective

Introduction

"Advanced Japanese language professionals" who have passed the Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT) N1 and can perfectly handle advanced vocabulary and complex grammar. However, there is a reality that they are not necessarily evaluated as having "high communication skills" in Japanese business or educational settings. On the contrary, they are sometimes even labeled with negative personality-related descriptions such as "somehow cold," "rough," or "scary."

The cause of this unfortunate friction is, in many cases, not grammatical mistakes but "sociopragmatic failure." Sociopragmatic failure refers to communication breakdown that occurs not from errors in the language itself, but from lacking appropriate "behavior" or "consideration" for the situation.

Particularly prominent between learners from Chinese-speaking regions (especially mainland China) and Japanese people is the clash of norms regarding "gratitude" and "non-verbal signs." This article examines, from the perspective of a researcher-teacher specializing in cross-cultural communication, a theoretical dissection of this dynamic of "intimacy" and "distance," and considers educational approaches to prevent learners from inviting unwarranted personality misperceptions (micro-aggressions) in Japanese society.

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2. The Boundary Between "Inside and Outside" and the Taboo of Gratitude

Why do learners from Chinese-speaking regions say "thank you" less and less as relationships become closer? Here exists a definition of "intimacy" that is the complete opposite of Japanese society.

2.1 Familial "Amae" and the Function of Silence

Particularly prominent in Chinese-speaking cultures, especially in northern regions, is the concept of "Waiqi (外气)." This means "being formal" or "being distant." In their cultural sphere, the boundary between "inside (family/close friends)" and "outside (others)" is extremely distinct.

Saying "Xièxie (thank you)" to "inside" people such as family or close friends can become a cold declaration that "I am treating you as an 'outside' person." For them, "silence" is a "sign of love" that shows they trust the other person like family and are psychologically unified, representing a high level of trust.

2.2 Resolving "Debt" in Japanese Society

In contrast, communication in Japanese society is a "reward system" that maintains balance by immediately returning favors through "symbols (thank you)."

In Japan, even in close relationships, unless one verbalizes "thank you" in response to another's action, mental "debt" continues to accumulate on the recipient's side. In Japan, gratitude is not something that distances relationships, but rather "lubricant" for maintaining smooth relationships. The presence or absence of this frequent gratitude, which could be called "minute-by-minute discipline," serves as an indicator of trust in Japanese society.

Item	Chinese-speaking regions (in-group)	Japan
Meaning of words of gratitude	Act of distancing (formal/cold)	Maintaining smooth relationships (essential lubricant)
What silence means	Familial affection/amae/high trust	Lack of consideration/ingratitude/arrogance
Provision of psychological reward	Shown through actions long-term (give and take)	Shown immediately through words and attitude (reward)

"Gratitude Mismatch" Seen Through Specific Examples

• Example 1: Household Interactions In Japanese households, conversations like "Thank you for passing me the soy sauce" are commonplace, but saying this in a conservative Chinese household might sadden parents with "Am I such an outsider to you?"

• Example 2: Delayed Gratitude in Japanese Society When a Chinese learner goes home silently after a supervisor helps with overtime work, as a "sign of close trust," the Japanese supervisor feels personally rejected, thinking "they consider my effort free labor."

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3. Physical Norms as "Reward": Sound and Gaze

Sociopragmatic errors reside not only in the presence or absence of words, but also in "sounds" and "gazes" emitted from the body. Because these are in the realm of the unconscious, they are difficult to correct and cause strong discomfort.

3.1 Friction Over the "Sound" of Physiological Phenomena

Attitudes toward physiological phenomena vary greatly between cultures. According to recent research (※1), the "sound of sniffing" that Japanese people tend to unconsciously tolerate is "unbearably unpleasant" for English-speaking and some Western cultures, and becomes a cause of damaging intellectual trust relationships.

On the other hand, while Japanese people tend to feel that loudly blowing one's nose in public is "unseemly," in the West, "blowing one's nose = an act of cleanliness" is recommended. If learners over-adapt to life in Japan and establish the habit of "sniffing," they risk "reverse transfer" that lowers their evaluation in their home country or international society.

3.2 The Pressure of Gaze and "Etiquette of Avoidance"

Gaze behavior also creates serious friction. In Brazilian, South American, or some Western cultures, looking directly into someone's eyes while speaking is proof of "sincerity," but for Japanese people, prolonged direct staring (gazing) is an "overly forceful act" that creates a sense of intimidation or aggression.

In Japan, there historically exists an "etiquette of avoidance" that shows respect to superiors by slightly averting one's gaze and looking around the throat area (※2).

Japanese physical techniques include many hidden signs that convey situations without speaking, such as the "sign of crossing index fingers to indicate a fight" that originated from sword culture.

Specific Examples of Physical Norms

• Example 3: Quiet Examination Hall While a Japanese proctor might think "maybe they have a cold" about a learner who keeps sniffing, English-speaking people feel discomfort close to anger, wondering "why don't they blow their nose?"

• Example 4: Gaze During Business Negotiations When a learner enthusiastically makes eye contact during a presentation, Japanese clients show an instinctive defensive reaction, feeling "the pressure is strong and scary" or "are they hiding something?"

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4. Educational Approach: Roadmap for Acquiring Non-verbal Skills

To prevent personality misperceptions that are more fatal than grammatical mistakes, Japanese language education needs a roadmap for acquiring "physical norms."

4.1 Introduction from N5 Level

Physical norms such as "bowing," "aizuchi (back-channeling)," and "silence in public places" should be introduced from the beginner (N5) level. Rather than teaching them simply as "etiquette," they should be redefined as a "reward system to protect oneself" in Japanese society.

4.2 Responding to Micro-aggressions

Questions that Japanese people unconsciously ask, such as "You're good with chopsticks" or "Can you eat natto?" While these are intended as "kindness" from the Japanese perspective, they accumulate as micro-aggressions for learners—the feeling of "being treated as a foreigner forever."

If learners respond with "ignoring" or a "bitter smile," the relationship deteriorates. In educational settings, it is necessary to teach the technique of accepting that "this is also a kind of communication reward," immediately returning a reward with a set phrase like "Thank you. I love Japanese food," and shifting the topic.

10 Specific Examples in Teaching

1. When borrowing notes from a friend: Don't return them silently; give a verbal reward: "That really helped, thank you!"
2. When someone holds the elevator button: Bow slightly (lowering the body) while saying "Thank you."
3. At the end of a business meeting: State a reward for the "time" spent: "Thank you for your time."
4. When you need to blow your nose: Say "Excuse me," leave your seat, and show consideration by not making noise.
5. Frequency of aizuchi: As proof of listening, nod and interject "yes" several times per minute.
6. Timing of eye contact: Make eye contact when starting to speak, lower your gaze slightly at important points to maintain "wa (harmony)."
7. When told "You're good with chopsticks": Acknowledge the goodwill with a reward: "I'm happy to hear you say that."
8. Angle of bowing: Differentiate between 15 degrees (light) to 45 degrees (deep) according to the depth of gratitude.
9. When receiving a gift: Verbalize emotions: "Thank you so much for such a wonderful thing."
10. At the end of class: Everyone chants "Thank you very much" to the teacher, completing the discipline.

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5. Conclusion

The goal of Japanese language education is not simply "being able to speak Japanese." It is to acquire "sociopragmatic competence" that integrates verbal and non-verbal abilities, does not cause unnecessary fear or discomfort to others, and protects one's own social evaluation.

The culture of omitting "thank you" as a sign of love is beautiful, but as long as one lives in Japan, a society with a strong "reward system," withholding words will result in paying the high cost of personality misunderstanding.

While learners may be laughed at for grammatical mistakes, we teachers must pass on the norms embedded in the body as logical "knowledge" so that they are not excluded for being "rough" or "rude."