What If the Other Person Goes Silent in a Japanese Conversation? What Silence Means and How to Wait

When the other person goes silent after you ask a question or give a report, you may panic, wonder "Did I say something wrong?", and want to speak first. But a person who is silent may simply be organizing their thoughts. The meaning of silence is not fixed. First, wait a little. If nothing happens, say a short word to prompt them.

The Department Head Fell Silent After the Presentation

*This scene is fictional, based on cases that are common among learners.

Inés finished explaining her new project plan. Across the table, Department Head Takagi kept his eyes on the materials and said nothing.

All she could hear was the ticking of the second hand. Inés grew anxious.

"Is there anything that concerns you?"

Mr. Takagi looked up. "No, nothing in particular."

"If it was hard to follow, I'll explain it again from the beginning."

"No, it's fine."

"Was there a problem with the budget? I can revise it."

The department head's expression changed to one of mild discomfort. After the meeting, her colleague Mr. Iwata spoke to her.

"Mr. Takagi is the kind of person who sorts things out in his head after listening, and then replies. I think that pause was his thinking time. Maybe you could wait a bit longer."

In the next meeting, the department head again fell silent after her report. This time Inés said nothing and waited. After a while, he spoke.

"Shall we check this cost part once more?"

"Yes, I'll check it."

The reply was short, and the discussion was settled quickly.

The Meaning of Silence Changes with the Person and the Situation

That silence is not always a time for thinking. The person may have something hard to say, may be struggling to answer, or may not agree with what was said. You cannot decide what silence means from the silence alone.

What you can say is this: if you pile on words the moment someone goes quiet, you get in the way of a person who is thinking. The more you add, as in "I'll explain again" and "I can revise it," the less chance the other person has to answer. You respond after their thoughts have come together.

How silence appears also depends on your relationship with the other person. One study asked respondents in Japan and the United States about how they use silence and how they feel about it [1]. Japanese respondents viewed silence more negatively when talking with someone they had just met than when talking with a close friend. American respondents showed no such difference [1]. In the close-friend situation, on the other hand, no difference was found between the Japanese and American respondents [1].

What this study compared was a person met for the first time and a close friend. It did not examine bosses and subordinates in the workplace. What it supports is that the same silence is received differently depending on who you are talking with. It does not mean that all silence in Japanese conversation is received favorably.

How to Wait When the Other Person Goes Silent

There is no fixed length of time to wait. Instead of counting, watch the other person. They may be looking at the materials, taking notes, or thinking while nodding. If so, it is fine to keep waiting for their reply.

If nothing happens after you wait, speak up just once, in a way that doesn't press them.

• "If you need any additional explanation, please let me know."
• "If there is anything unclear, please tell me."

"Is there a problem?" can make the other person feel cross-examined. Use a form that is easy to answer, such as "If you need more explanation, please say so." If there is still no reply, close the exchange by handing the thinking time to them: "Could you share your thoughts with me later?"

When You Are the One Who Is Silent

When you are the one answering, you don't need to fill the silence with words right away. It isn't unnatural to pause briefly before you start talking. However, if you stay silent for long, the other person will worry. When you are thinking, show it in words.

• "Sō desu ne..." (Well, let me see...) can be used with bosses and with clients.
• "Ee to..." (Um...) is the sound you make when you start speaking while you think.
• "Ūn..." (Hmm...) is casual. It suits conversations with colleagues and friends, and with people of higher status, "Sō desu ne" is the safer choice.

When you can't answer a question right away, ask for time.

"Could you give me a little time?"

If you add when you will answer, as in "May I reply to you by tomorrow?", it is easier for the other person to wait.

References

1. Tomohiro Hasegawa and William B. Gudykunst, "Silence in Japan and the United States," Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology 29(5), pp. 668-684, SAGE, 1998. https://api.crossref.org/works/10.1177/0022022198295005